...and when I post on Facebook, I have a much better chance that one or more of my 200-plus friends will comment. I love that. I like getting a conversation going.
So, that's also a big part of why I blog less and Facebook-post more (as I wrote about the other day). Facebook is like blogging on speed. I like the limitations of those little boxes because they force me to edit so carefully. And I love the dialogue that at least sometimes occurs on Facebook.
Back in my blogging "heyday", when I would say blogging was more popular and not as divided into mega-blogging mommies who are making a living off of blogging and get most of the readership--and the rest of us more normal folks--there were many more comments on my blog. In fact, bloggers live/lived by an unwritten code of ethics that states, "don't just lurk, comment already!" In order to get readers to our blogs, we commented on other people's blogs. Or even if we didn't care so much about getting readers of our own, we were forming communities so the comment dialogue was important to us. These communities generally consisted of like-minded individuals who wrote about their days and their cool pursuits (for example, I would say that the urban farming movement began with bloggers!), and we found others who were interested in doing similar things. It was very cool and fun and inspirational.
Facebook has, in most ways, become party and host to those communities now. Many of my favorite Facebook friends and commenters are people I know online only, and mostly through blogs. My family is a part of my Facebook community too, and they NEVER commented on my blog posts. Not all of my friends on Facebook are of like mind, that's for sure, so the community takes on quite a new dimension because of that. And sometimes, Facebook friends of friends become friends (got that?), which is another cool thing. I even have a Facebook friend who friended me because we share the same name, Lisa Zahn, if you can believe it!
But as great and time-consuming as Facebook is, I still keep this blog. I sometimes miss blogging and its slower, more leisurely and lengthy pace.
What do you think is the state of blogging today and has it changed as much as I think? (I dare you to post a comment about it!)
the guys down at the Ware River
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
I Don't Blog When I Facebook...
...or read the news. Or look at blogs. Or pin on Pinterest. I notice that if I start my day with other people's news--which is what I'm generally drawn to do--I don't do my own thing as much. Before the internet, I would turn on the Today Show. Off the internet, I also read magazines and currently have a stack of about 10 books on or near my nightstand.
I've always been an obsessive reader and a curious watcher of news.
People tell me all the time I should write more. I tell myself all the time, I wish I wrote more. And part of me does, indeed, wish that.
But I've long been better at input than output.
I adore studying and learning new things. A few years ago I took an entire year of herbal medicine classes. Then I took another six month course on herbs. I also took some weekend classes. I loved every minute of it. We spent time walking about in fields and on city sidewalks, identifying and learning about all kinds of medicinal uses for weeds and plants. We harvested some and made tinctures and salves and I felt a deep connection to the plant world when I did this. Loved it.
But am I an herbalist? Not really. I have bottles and jars of herbal remedies in cabinets throughout my house. And sometimes I distribute them for use, but I find that the actual practice of being an herbalist isn't that interesting to me. And I really don't care to go further in the field and learn anatomy and chemistry and all that.
What interested me most about herbs, what really got me excited, were the stories about the plants. The legends and myths and mysticism around the plant world. Maybe someday, I think, I'll use those stories in novels of my own. Or maybe not. Maybe I can just enjoy knowing them and telling them to my grandkids someday.
A few weeks ago I went to a talk hosted by the Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented. Wes Beach, founder of Beach High School in California, spoke about alternative paths to education and how to make self-directed learning work in the real world. I didn't need that for myself but was there for my kids. However, what he said about learning really spoke to me. Since leaving formal education, I have certainly become an autodidact (definition here), teaching myself new things all the time. The internet makes an autodidact's life absolutely dreamy, doesn't it?
But the one thing Mr. Beach said that really stood out to me was in answer to a question a parent asked: "how do I help my child find his passion?" Ah, the question of our time, right? And Wes's answer was right in line with what I have come to feel about this whole "finding your passion" thing. He said, basically, that not everyone finds their passion. That it's okay to never find your passion. And that everyone ends up making a life, step-by-step, whether or not they find their passion and/or live up to their "fullest potential".
You see, I have gotten really weary of this find your passion business. I have felt its burden for far, far too long. It's kind of like the idea of finding your "soul mate" and the question is, is there really just one soul mate for each person? Most of us can say, probably not. So maybe there is not one passion for each person either, right?
I used to think that by age 40, for sure, I'd have found my passion and be living my dream--and in American terms, making tons of money doing it. But wow, did that search for my passion become like a dead weight on my shoulders.
Along the way, I have discovered that I have a passion for raising my kids and being married to my husband. I have a passion for eating well and moving my body. I have a passion for learning, obviously. But whether I have a "calling" to write a novel, or be a Lutheran Pastor, or be an herbalist or a gardener, or do any type of job that's some kind of dream fit for me, is still up in the air and you know what, I have a good life even without any of those things.
Should I write more? Maybe. But I'm finding that a better question is, do I want to write today? Many days, not really. Today, yes, and here I am.
I've always been an obsessive reader and a curious watcher of news.
People tell me all the time I should write more. I tell myself all the time, I wish I wrote more. And part of me does, indeed, wish that.
But I've long been better at input than output.
I adore studying and learning new things. A few years ago I took an entire year of herbal medicine classes. Then I took another six month course on herbs. I also took some weekend classes. I loved every minute of it. We spent time walking about in fields and on city sidewalks, identifying and learning about all kinds of medicinal uses for weeds and plants. We harvested some and made tinctures and salves and I felt a deep connection to the plant world when I did this. Loved it.
But am I an herbalist? Not really. I have bottles and jars of herbal remedies in cabinets throughout my house. And sometimes I distribute them for use, but I find that the actual practice of being an herbalist isn't that interesting to me. And I really don't care to go further in the field and learn anatomy and chemistry and all that.
What interested me most about herbs, what really got me excited, were the stories about the plants. The legends and myths and mysticism around the plant world. Maybe someday, I think, I'll use those stories in novels of my own. Or maybe not. Maybe I can just enjoy knowing them and telling them to my grandkids someday.
A few weeks ago I went to a talk hosted by the Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented. Wes Beach, founder of Beach High School in California, spoke about alternative paths to education and how to make self-directed learning work in the real world. I didn't need that for myself but was there for my kids. However, what he said about learning really spoke to me. Since leaving formal education, I have certainly become an autodidact (definition here), teaching myself new things all the time. The internet makes an autodidact's life absolutely dreamy, doesn't it?
But the one thing Mr. Beach said that really stood out to me was in answer to a question a parent asked: "how do I help my child find his passion?" Ah, the question of our time, right? And Wes's answer was right in line with what I have come to feel about this whole "finding your passion" thing. He said, basically, that not everyone finds their passion. That it's okay to never find your passion. And that everyone ends up making a life, step-by-step, whether or not they find their passion and/or live up to their "fullest potential".
You see, I have gotten really weary of this find your passion business. I have felt its burden for far, far too long. It's kind of like the idea of finding your "soul mate" and the question is, is there really just one soul mate for each person? Most of us can say, probably not. So maybe there is not one passion for each person either, right?
I used to think that by age 40, for sure, I'd have found my passion and be living my dream--and in American terms, making tons of money doing it. But wow, did that search for my passion become like a dead weight on my shoulders.
Along the way, I have discovered that I have a passion for raising my kids and being married to my husband. I have a passion for eating well and moving my body. I have a passion for learning, obviously. But whether I have a "calling" to write a novel, or be a Lutheran Pastor, or be an herbalist or a gardener, or do any type of job that's some kind of dream fit for me, is still up in the air and you know what, I have a good life even without any of those things.
Should I write more? Maybe. But I'm finding that a better question is, do I want to write today? Many days, not really. Today, yes, and here I am.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Busy, and about the Culturing Compassion Retreat I Went On
It's that (spring) time of year when life gets really busy! I'm working in the garden, attending either my daughter's or husband's or someone else's musical concerts on at least a weekly basis, and trying to keep up with regular life too.
Last weekend I went on a retreat with the 9th grade confirmation students at church. It was wonderful! The retreat was called "culturing compassion" and led by our Pastor Dee Pederson and a member of our community, Kevin LaNave, who was formerly a youth minister and now told me has a business leading retreats, service projects, and other things of that nature. His business is called the Center for Service Learning and Social Change, and you can visit it here. He did a great job getting the kids interested and keeping them there with games, activities and conversations.
"Culturing Compassion" was most specifically about poverty and Jesus' message to care for the poor. One of the things we did on Saturday afternoon was work at a couple of different service organizations in our town. First we all went to our local Catholic Charities food shelf and bagged up groceries then delivered them to apartments of senior citizens around town.
Then a big group of us went to volunteer at The Message Program which I had never even heard of. This organization, started and still run by one woman, collects what is America's trash and makes it treasure for those in poorer countries like Guatemala. The main thing they process and send for re-use is medical equipment. We worked in a warehouse filled with hospital beds, IV stands, walkers, and other such paraphernalia which to us is old junk but to places with so much less is treasure to be used in setting up and maintaining hospitals and clinics. What we did there was bag up quilts and clothing and linens for sending along with the larger items. Some churches had donated the most beautiful quilts, and places like Once Upon A Child donate the clothing they don't purchase. The kids really got into the work and we got two huge boxes filled with bagged items. When the program gets enough to fill a semi-trailer, then it's time to ship the items out and overseas. It was so wonderful for us all to see this work being done, but sad to find out that many, many times more of this stuff still gets thrown into landfills because there aren't enough organizations doing this work. Anybody feeling called to do more?
We played a game of Monopoly in which the deck had already been stacked to illustrate real life. The adults were the bankers and in my group I had six kids. Each student got an envelope filled with the money and properties with which they'd start the game. Two started with a lot of money and most of the properties (including monopolies in which they had hotels and houses). Two started with a little bit of money and a couple of properties. And two had almost no money and no properties. This, of course, represented being born rich, middle class, or poor. One of the adults said, "did you notice their body language right away?" Yes! The poor kids immediately sat back, got disgusted, slumped in their chair and said, "I'm going to be out of the game right away." Sure enough, as soon as they landed on a property owned by someone else they had to pay more money than they owned and were out. The two rich kids were ecstatic right off. "Woo hoo! I'm rich!" And the two in the middle class tried some creative ways to stay above water, selling their properties for less than they were worth just to try to make a little more to pay off the monopolied guys. But eventually, even the middle class people just couldn't make it work. They would have ended up in debtor's prison if it had been real life! (See this article on Yahoo news today: "Jailed for $280: The Return of Debtor's Prisons".)
You see, the rules of the game are written to protect the monopolies.
A lesson I won't forget is when we talked about how the poor get blamed for being poor. Kevin asked the question, "are the poor lazy?" My answer: sometimes. "Do the poor make bad choices?" Sometimes. Well, how about this: "Are the rich lazy?" Sometimes. "Do the rich make bad choices?" Sometimes. But who's still rich, and who's still poor?
Amen.
Jesus said, it is very hard for the wealthy to get into heaven. It's as hard as a camel (!) trying to get through the eye of a needle (!). Wow. He also said feed the hungry, if you have two coats give your second one to a person who needs one, visit the imprisoned, heal the sick, give up everything you have and follow me. "The poor will always be with us", he said, so we'll always have this work to do.
This always slays me. I have lived on a very low income, considered poverty even, but I have never been poor. I wasn't born poor. I have at least 10 coats. And my shoe closet keeps expanding. I've never been hungry for more than a few hours.
I'm glad I've never been hungry, and that my kids haven't been either. But am I doing enough to follow Jesus' commands? No, of course not. And I call myself a Christian.
Last weekend I went on a retreat with the 9th grade confirmation students at church. It was wonderful! The retreat was called "culturing compassion" and led by our Pastor Dee Pederson and a member of our community, Kevin LaNave, who was formerly a youth minister and now told me has a business leading retreats, service projects, and other things of that nature. His business is called the Center for Service Learning and Social Change, and you can visit it here. He did a great job getting the kids interested and keeping them there with games, activities and conversations.
"Culturing Compassion" was most specifically about poverty and Jesus' message to care for the poor. One of the things we did on Saturday afternoon was work at a couple of different service organizations in our town. First we all went to our local Catholic Charities food shelf and bagged up groceries then delivered them to apartments of senior citizens around town.
Then a big group of us went to volunteer at The Message Program which I had never even heard of. This organization, started and still run by one woman, collects what is America's trash and makes it treasure for those in poorer countries like Guatemala. The main thing they process and send for re-use is medical equipment. We worked in a warehouse filled with hospital beds, IV stands, walkers, and other such paraphernalia which to us is old junk but to places with so much less is treasure to be used in setting up and maintaining hospitals and clinics. What we did there was bag up quilts and clothing and linens for sending along with the larger items. Some churches had donated the most beautiful quilts, and places like Once Upon A Child donate the clothing they don't purchase. The kids really got into the work and we got two huge boxes filled with bagged items. When the program gets enough to fill a semi-trailer, then it's time to ship the items out and overseas. It was so wonderful for us all to see this work being done, but sad to find out that many, many times more of this stuff still gets thrown into landfills because there aren't enough organizations doing this work. Anybody feeling called to do more?
We played a game of Monopoly in which the deck had already been stacked to illustrate real life. The adults were the bankers and in my group I had six kids. Each student got an envelope filled with the money and properties with which they'd start the game. Two started with a lot of money and most of the properties (including monopolies in which they had hotels and houses). Two started with a little bit of money and a couple of properties. And two had almost no money and no properties. This, of course, represented being born rich, middle class, or poor. One of the adults said, "did you notice their body language right away?" Yes! The poor kids immediately sat back, got disgusted, slumped in their chair and said, "I'm going to be out of the game right away." Sure enough, as soon as they landed on a property owned by someone else they had to pay more money than they owned and were out. The two rich kids were ecstatic right off. "Woo hoo! I'm rich!" And the two in the middle class tried some creative ways to stay above water, selling their properties for less than they were worth just to try to make a little more to pay off the monopolied guys. But eventually, even the middle class people just couldn't make it work. They would have ended up in debtor's prison if it had been real life! (See this article on Yahoo news today: "Jailed for $280: The Return of Debtor's Prisons".)
You see, the rules of the game are written to protect the monopolies.
A lesson I won't forget is when we talked about how the poor get blamed for being poor. Kevin asked the question, "are the poor lazy?" My answer: sometimes. "Do the poor make bad choices?" Sometimes. Well, how about this: "Are the rich lazy?" Sometimes. "Do the rich make bad choices?" Sometimes. But who's still rich, and who's still poor?
Amen.
Jesus said, it is very hard for the wealthy to get into heaven. It's as hard as a camel (!) trying to get through the eye of a needle (!). Wow. He also said feed the hungry, if you have two coats give your second one to a person who needs one, visit the imprisoned, heal the sick, give up everything you have and follow me. "The poor will always be with us", he said, so we'll always have this work to do.
This always slays me. I have lived on a very low income, considered poverty even, but I have never been poor. I wasn't born poor. I have at least 10 coats. And my shoe closet keeps expanding. I've never been hungry for more than a few hours.
I'm glad I've never been hungry, and that my kids haven't been either. But am I doing enough to follow Jesus' commands? No, of course not. And I call myself a Christian.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Little Things in Spring
Doesn't spring just remind you of how important the little things are? In central Minnesota the leaves on the shrubs and trees are just popping out and all those little pokes of bright green make me so happy.
Besides leaf buds, I've been noticing swingsets, and juncos, and daffodil stems poking through the ground. I bought this little daffodil plant at the grocery store for $2.99 yesterday. That 3 bucks and my pretty little pot is going to make me so happy for a couple of weeks.
I wore my new (to me) cowboy boots yesterday as the weather was just cool enough to get away with it.
I have vowed that my cowboy boots and I will never be apart. We are "till death do us part, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer..." I love them so much. George thinks I'm a little crazy to want cowboy boots, but I think he's just jealous of my new love.
And these roses? I bought them for me. Eight bucks at a different grocery store. 8 bucks for a dozen! The hot pink and the shape of them reminds me of my grandma. She always grew pink roses similar to these. These hothouse roses don't smell, but they remind me to stop and take the time. It's the little things in life.
Besides leaf buds, I've been noticing swingsets, and juncos, and daffodil stems poking through the ground. I bought this little daffodil plant at the grocery store for $2.99 yesterday. That 3 bucks and my pretty little pot is going to make me so happy for a couple of weeks.
I wore my new (to me) cowboy boots yesterday as the weather was just cool enough to get away with it.
 |
| Kenneth Cole Reaction, 20 bucks at Ragstock! |
And these roses? I bought them for me. Eight bucks at a different grocery store. 8 bucks for a dozen! The hot pink and the shape of them reminds me of my grandma. She always grew pink roses similar to these. These hothouse roses don't smell, but they remind me to stop and take the time. It's the little things in life.
Monday, April 02, 2012
My Contribution to Autism Awareness Day: A Couple of Must-Read Links
You may know our son is on the autism spectrum. This is not an easy thing for our family. We love him dearly. He is a wonderful, intelligent kid with the best sense of humor, but his autism presents challenges which are often beyond our understanding.
There are many controversies currently raging in the world of autism. "What causes it?" seems to be the number one question. Then there is: "is there really an epidemic going on or are we just getting better at diagnosing this condition?" And also: "What can be done about it?"
I'm not about to answer any of those questions, though of course I wonder about and read about them all the time. You will not find me cheerleading at any Autism Awareness Day events, or fundraising for research, or doing much of anything but daily.living.with.autism. right now.
I just want to share a couple of really excellent links that I read today, about autism and Autism Awareness Day.
The first is from The PLoS Blogs: Diverse Perspectives on Science and Medicine. It is by writer Steve Silberman and titled Autism Awareness is Not Enough: Here’s How to Change the World. There is a LOT of good stuff in this article, and Silberman includes contributions from many knowledgeable people who are working and living with autism. Here's a quote that matters a lot to me:
There are many controversies currently raging in the world of autism. "What causes it?" seems to be the number one question. Then there is: "is there really an epidemic going on or are we just getting better at diagnosing this condition?" And also: "What can be done about it?"
I'm not about to answer any of those questions, though of course I wonder about and read about them all the time. You will not find me cheerleading at any Autism Awareness Day events, or fundraising for research, or doing much of anything but daily.living.with.autism. right now.
I just want to share a couple of really excellent links that I read today, about autism and Autism Awareness Day.
The first is from The PLoS Blogs: Diverse Perspectives on Science and Medicine. It is by writer Steve Silberman and titled Autism Awareness is Not Enough: Here’s How to Change the World. There is a LOT of good stuff in this article, and Silberman includes contributions from many knowledgeable people who are working and living with autism. Here's a quote that matters a lot to me:
No matter where you stand on the rising numbers, there is one undeniably shocking thing about them. Once that 1-in-88 kid grows to adulthood, our society offers little to enable him or her to live a healthy, secure, independent, and productive life in their own community. When kids on the spectrum graduate from high school, they and their families are often cut adrift — left to fend for themselves in the face of dwindling social services and even less than the meager level of accommodations available to those with other disabilities.
Meanwhile, the lion’s share of the money raised by star-studded “awareness” campaigns goes into researching potential genetic and environmental risk factors — not to improving the quality of life for the millions of autistic adults who are already here, struggling to get by. At the extreme end of the risks they face daily is bullying, abuse, and violence, even in their own homes.
The second post I share is from TheAutcast, a blog written by autistic self-advocate Landon Bryce. Landon has increasingly won my respect, after starting out kind of rockily (because he sometimes comes across as abrasive), for consistently speaking out for people with autism, for having good ideas on how to respect people with autism, and for showing his own mind opening as he learns more about the condition which he not only has himself but about which he writes and speaks so well.
In this post, Landon explains what some science is finding and that is that the number of people on the autism spectrum has remained about one percent (1%) through generations. This is, of course, up for discussion and controversial right now. He believes that yes, we are getting better at diagnosing autism because of more awareness. AND, he acknowledges that children on the spectrum seem to be more disabled by it today. The post references a PBS NewsHour show and is titled "PBS NewsHour on Autism: The Environment Is More Than "Toxins". He acknowledges the role that both chemical toxins and, an interesting twist, social toxins as in all the "screen time" we get today, have in causing this disabling trend. He explains it well so it's best to read the link.
I found both of these posts so fascinating, and think they should be shared and read widely.
I will add only ONE opinion of my own, and that is that I feel and have seen that there IS a bio-medical component to autism and I believe that, while I would not take away the wonderful and unique qualities my son has, I would like to have been able to take away the digestive pain he had as an infant and continues at times to have today. Diet and lifestyle can make a big difference in the quality of life for people with autism. This is very common among people on the autism spectrum, and I believe strongly that at least THIS part of the condition can be changed, and can have affects on the brain functioning as well. Science knows that physical health can have great affects on neurological health, and we need to acknowledge this and fund it now.
For me the number one question regarding autism is this: What can we do for people with autism so they can lead healthy, happy lives of purpose in our world?
Sunday, April 01, 2012
The Top 5 Most Popular Posts on This Blog
I thought it would be fun to post a list of the most-read posts on this blog. Every day I see several of these posts come up after someone has found them via Google or another link or somewhere.
Here they are, in order:
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| Too bad our basement is still nothing special. This post probably disappoints the Googlers. |
My Whole Wheat Bread Recipe and Tips (by popular "demand"!)
and finally...
On Family Meetings and Chores
I think it's interesting to see what people find on my blog. There might just be a LOT of households making those salmon patties. I wonder if we've inspired anyone to have a family meeting?
 |
| I never make bread anymore because I find I can't really eat it without negative health repercussions, sadly. |
and finally...
On Family Meetings and Chores
I think it's interesting to see what people find on my blog. There might just be a LOT of households making those salmon patties. I wonder if we've inspired anyone to have a family meeting?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Raising Teenagers
My kids turned 13 and 15 in the last month. Teenagers!
Teenagers are awesome. I love them. Raising them is hard not because they're a problem (most of the time). My kids are not bad, just as most are not. Sure, when kids become teens most of them need to somewhat painfully separate themselves from their parents. They're designed to do that, no matter that some modern thinkers say that's a crock and that the whole idea of "adolescence" is just an invention of the 1950s. There's some truth to that, but the fact is that just as a 2-year old is going to learn his or her independence, so is a teen-ager.
Even in the "olden days", children did not live long under their parents' roof once they became teens. And if they did, they still married and had their own family and contributed to the family and society as adults. Way back to Biblical times we have the whole notion of separating from father and mother and "cleaving" to one's wife or husband. This involves separation, and for parents at least that can be pretty painful.
After all, we've just spent upwards of 12 years learning how to be a parent, how to be ever-available when needed, how to sacrifice our own lives for the sake of our kids. Then suddenly, those same kids don't need us so much any more--or at least they're starting not to need us (teens still need us, trust me!). They're rejecting us in small and large ways, and that's not easy.
Also, and I think this is hardest for me, suddenly there is a whole new vibration to parenting. It's not about keeping our kids safe and near us anymore--though there is some of that. It's now about sending them out into the world. Making sure they're ready. Making sure they're getting educated, preparing for a life of work and supporting themselves, learning to drive, finding friends who become a big part of their lives, etc.
And what if you don't think you're good at that?!!! I was born to hold babies, to make sure they're fed and warm and cozy. I didn't even mind changing diapers, or holding crying toddlers, or running after them at the park.
But trying to figure out how to help my son not fail high school? Helping my daughter through the stresses of mean girls in junior high? Telling them to stop doing homework now and get some sleep, even though there will be repercussions for unfinished work at school the next day? Helping them prioritize and make all these big decisions?
Ugh! That takes from a well of wisdom and knowledge that I just don't even think I have.
And then there's dealing with cell phones and iPods and internet forums--neither parents nor teens are good at keeping this stuff in check. I can talk about the birds and the bees till I'm blue in the face, no problem because Oprah taught me how to do that. But technology and its proper place in my teens' lives? Give me some valium--now!
If anyone has some wisdom or advice, feel free to leave it in the comments. And yes, I know "one day at at time". I love my teen-agers dearly, and I thank God for my husband all the time too. How would I ever do this without him? Sometimes he and I just look at each other, or fall into each other's arms exasperated and exhausted, wondering if we'll make it and does this hard stuff ever end? Maybe, maybe not.
It's definitely love that gets us through. I don't have any more wisdom than that.
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| Rose's 13th Birthday, girls' dinner at Olive Garden |
Teenagers are awesome. I love them. Raising them is hard not because they're a problem (most of the time). My kids are not bad, just as most are not. Sure, when kids become teens most of them need to somewhat painfully separate themselves from their parents. They're designed to do that, no matter that some modern thinkers say that's a crock and that the whole idea of "adolescence" is just an invention of the 1950s. There's some truth to that, but the fact is that just as a 2-year old is going to learn his or her independence, so is a teen-ager.
Even in the "olden days", children did not live long under their parents' roof once they became teens. And if they did, they still married and had their own family and contributed to the family and society as adults. Way back to Biblical times we have the whole notion of separating from father and mother and "cleaving" to one's wife or husband. This involves separation, and for parents at least that can be pretty painful.
 |
| Eli's 15th birthday last week--fondue at home |
After all, we've just spent upwards of 12 years learning how to be a parent, how to be ever-available when needed, how to sacrifice our own lives for the sake of our kids. Then suddenly, those same kids don't need us so much any more--or at least they're starting not to need us (teens still need us, trust me!). They're rejecting us in small and large ways, and that's not easy.
Also, and I think this is hardest for me, suddenly there is a whole new vibration to parenting. It's not about keeping our kids safe and near us anymore--though there is some of that. It's now about sending them out into the world. Making sure they're ready. Making sure they're getting educated, preparing for a life of work and supporting themselves, learning to drive, finding friends who become a big part of their lives, etc.
 |
| Our teen-agers at a famous art museum, surrounded by masterpieces. Go figure. Art Institute of Chicago. |
And what if you don't think you're good at that?!!! I was born to hold babies, to make sure they're fed and warm and cozy. I didn't even mind changing diapers, or holding crying toddlers, or running after them at the park.
But trying to figure out how to help my son not fail high school? Helping my daughter through the stresses of mean girls in junior high? Telling them to stop doing homework now and get some sleep, even though there will be repercussions for unfinished work at school the next day? Helping them prioritize and make all these big decisions?
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| I love watching my teen-aged daughter play basketball and feel it's good for her to have the balance of sports and academics. Rose is #34. |
Ugh! That takes from a well of wisdom and knowledge that I just don't even think I have.
And then there's dealing with cell phones and iPods and internet forums--neither parents nor teens are good at keeping this stuff in check. I can talk about the birds and the bees till I'm blue in the face, no problem because Oprah taught me how to do that. But technology and its proper place in my teens' lives? Give me some valium--now!
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| I love that my teen-aged son still loves to find sticks in the woods, and gets this dreamy look imagining all the battles he'll fight. In this case, it's bamboo poles near Grandma's house in Virginia. |
If anyone has some wisdom or advice, feel free to leave it in the comments. And yes, I know "one day at at time". I love my teen-agers dearly, and I thank God for my husband all the time too. How would I ever do this without him? Sometimes he and I just look at each other, or fall into each other's arms exasperated and exhausted, wondering if we'll make it and does this hard stuff ever end? Maybe, maybe not.
It's definitely love that gets us through. I don't have any more wisdom than that.
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